The Birth Plan

Believe it or not, you can’t give birth these days without having a plan. No birth plan, no birth. That’s just the way it goes, or so the birth books would have you believe. How do folks without birth books and birth plans have babies? It’s a mystery. Speaking of mysteries, did you know that the first birth plan was found underneath the Obelisk of Luxor? True story. You can read all about it in Dan Brown’s new novel, The Birth Plan Code.

Anyway, Kathleen and I recently sat down to create our birth plan for a very special little boy who should arrive at the end of January and who shall remain nameless at this time. Barring any difficulties, we expect the birth will take place as planned. These questions are taken verbatim from the birth plan questionnaire provided by our care provider.

1. Who will be your main support person?
   • Harry Love, husband
2. Please write the name of any other person who is important to have with you:
   • Frank Oz (he makes us laugh and we think it would be great to have him do Bert impressions during the contractions)
   • Christopher Guest (if Frank is unavailable)
3. Do you want the nurses to help you and your partner control the number of visitors?
   • No. The more, the merrier. See next question.
4. Describe the environment you and your partner hope to create:
   • Any of the following would be fine (all hospital staff and visitors should dress in costume and stay in character):
     • A military bunker setting, underground, as if Kathleen is the last woman on Earth having a baby and the fate of all mankind depends on a successful delivery (barbed wire surrounding the room would be a nice touch)
     • A dance party complete with disco ball and ten-piece mariachi band
     • Dodgeball, 6th grade, New Orleans
     • Ski lodge
5. Do you plan to videotape the birth?
   • What’s videotape?
6. If so, have you talked about it with your care provider?
   • We’ll send her the storyboards next week, but basically we’re thinking of something like a Sofia Coppola film.
7. There are a number of ways to manage pain during labor. Check the ones you might be interested in:
   • Be able to change position and walk around
   • Jacuzzi or shower
   • Heavy mallet (croquet type)
   • Ride-the-Duck tour of Seattle
   • Mimes
8. Please check the birth positions you would prefer for your baby’s birth:
   • Lying
   • Sitting upright
   • Squatting
   • Bench pressing
   • Clean and jerking

Wish us luck!