Archive for the Family Category

Last night at bedtime, while talking about his expectations for his first day of preschool, Charlie informed me that he would hug me and kiss me goodbye and walk himself to school. I was glad to have that base covered and avoid him getting really upset in the morning when he discovered that I would be walking him to school after all. He’s read a few books about going to school that seem to have led him to believe he’d be traveling solo. We also had to clear up his confusion regarding taking a yellow school bus a few weeks ago.

So, after eating pancakes, packing his lunch, and getting dressed, we headed out the door to preschool. On foot. (How lovely is it that we get to walk a few blocks to school?!) Charlie proudly wore his backpack, stopping a few times to readjust it, but not wanting any assistance with getting it on or off. There wasn’t any rain, so I put Miles in the Ergo and Charlie and I strolled together, talking about things along the way as we normally do when we walk anywhere…flowers, airplanes, bugs, clouds. We left with plenty of time to take a leisurely stroll which made me thankful because the last thing I wanted to do was rush him on his first day. (Although until that point I was rather stressed because the pancakes took forever and we all woke up late. Murphy’s law. I should’ve packed his lunch and made the batter the night before . Lesson #1 learned about school mornings.)

Charlie got to visit his classroom last week and immediately attached himself to several toys. When I dropped him off this morning, after putting his backpack and jacket in his cubby and his lunch bag in the bin, he ran to those toys and started playing. I had to interrupt him to ask for a big hug and kiss, which he happily gave, but he dove right back into play. Easy as pie. I walked away a little teary but not as much as I thought I’d be. I felt really pleased that Charlie was about to experience so many fun activities and meet new friends.

Picking Charlie up will probably be one of my favorite memories of motherhood. He was grinning from ear and ear. He ran to me and threw himself onto my legs. I was initially concerned he was going to cry but instead he cheerfully launched into everything he experienced that morning. Since the tiny building was filled with parents picking up kids and all the ensuing noise, I probably only heard half of what he said, but boy was the kid happy. He was beaming. “We sang lots and lots of songs. We had a music party!” Later he told me they had a lunch party, too. I love that all gatherings are parties right now. “And they have a potty just my size. And a sink, too. And soap that looks like ducks and the ducks’ cousins. But they don’t make noise.” And on and on and on… There was no difficulty getting him to share about his day, that’s for sure.

His teachers confirmed that he had a great day and added that he was very sweet to everyone. He tried to share his lunch with all the other kids. Classic Charlie. He’s been doing that since he was a toddler and it hasn’t left him, despite the less than nice behaviors 3 1/2 has brought with it. He asked a few days ago, while we were discussing his preferred lunch, if I could pack honey pots for him to share with all his classmates. Honey pots?! What in the world? Well, sadly, I’ve run out of miniature honey pots to share so we couldn’t fulfill that wish. Maybe for his birthday party I’ll make something like that.

While walking home I told Charlie how happy I was that he had such a great day. He said, “Yeah, it makes you happy that I was happy, doesn’t it. If I was sad, you would’ve been sad, too. I had so much fun! It was great!” Indeed. It couldn’t have made me happier to see Charlie have such a successful first day of preschool. I think it’s going to be a fabulous year.

A few things I don’t want to forget about Charlie right now-

1) He kissed a four year old girl that we know from the neighborhood at the farmer’s market two weeks ago while in line for ice cream. Three times on the cheek, asking her each time if it was ok. They held hands until he told her about picking his fingers after she’d asked about his band-aids. He kissed her again last week, just twice. She came and sat next to him while we ate dinner and happily proclaimed, “Charlie kissed me!”

2) Upon overhearing Harry and I say someone would be blown away by the changes in Charlie, Charlie said, “Oh no! They would blow away! We’d have to catch them…in an envelope…and sweep them back up!” Alrighty then.

3) I cried in his arms a few weeks ago and he kept patting me, hugging me and saying, “Cheer up, mama.”

4) He often uses a British accent and uses phrases like “Would you like to have a go at it?” thanks to Kipper cartoons.

5) He is quite fond of his new headphones and wears them when Miles cries. He always talks very loudly when he wears them.

17lbs, 8 oz (90th %ile)
25 1/2 inches tall (75th %ile)
17 inch head circumference (as if anyone cares)

Miles loves playing peek-a-boo, watching his parents make silly noises and faces, singing (seriously!), listening to music, gnawing on things and watching Charlie. He’s rolled from belly to back over a handful of times and sometimes gets up on his knees. Harry & I predict he’ll be crawling by 6-months. We sure have a lot of baby-proofing to do in this ridiculously baby unfriendly rental.

Since we started letting him cry (which we’ve chosen to stop the past few days because of the heat and his mild fever) our nights have improved dramatically. He’s only waking up twice to feed and he goes back down pretty quickly. Miles is better rested and getting what he needs and so am I. His daytime nap schedule is also regulating a bit, thankfully. I’m still tired and catching up, but I’m really hopeful that we’re through the worst of it. The doctor said babies his size can sleep 9 or 10 hours and recommended that we let him cry it out in the middle of the night at 5-months old to eliminate another night feeding. Hopefully we won’t have to do that and he’ll just drop it as he continues to get better rested.

Today was the first time Charlie has angrily and jealously yanked something out of Miles’ hands, making Miles cry. Once crawling starts, I’m sure we’ll see that a lot more often.

There is so much beauty in the truth being spoken. It is in the truth that we can accept grace. It is in the truth that we can identify with others. Without knowing the real experiences of others, we are so often left to think we’re alone in our challenges. I am able to share my truth because I know I’m not alone. Thanks to the vulnerability of those women in my life who’ve gone before me, I have felt supported.

So, here’s how I’ve been. Since most loveoirs readers are close enough with me to know, this will not be completely new information. For some, it will. Parenthood is hard! Now I realize that’s not news. But, the extent to which these past few months have worn on me might surprise some. After the first few weeks, Miles began waking every two hours and usually had at least one of those waking periods last for several hours. This meant that on good nights I would sleep 3-4 hrs of segmented sleep. To top it off, even if both boys were sleeping at the same time, I couldn’t nap most afternoons because the unit next door to ours had remodeling work taking place. Also, the neighbors on our other side have frequently been loud until 11pm and unwilling to change their ways despite our (kind!) requests. To say I was going looney is an understatement. I have had frequent headaches. I have had many days when I feel like I’m rocking on a boat. I have heard my babies cry in my head, even though all was well. I have left the oven on. I have nearly overboiled a pot of water. I have avoided driving many days because I knew I wasn’t safe. I am constantly echoing Anne Lamott’s famous cries of “Help me, help me, help me!” and sometimes I sound like a sailor.

Emotionally, I have had intensely difficult moments of wondering why I had ever become a mom, let alone to two children. I have had enormous guilt about how Charlie has suffered because of needing to put Miles first so frequently and how long getting Miles down for a nap could take…all while Charlie was left to watch DVDs or play computer games or, let’s face it, tear apart the house. I have had a short fuse. I have lashed out at Harry for no reason. I have been quick to anger with Charlie for his normal, healthy three-year old developing ways. After a night of decent sleep, I feel much better and these feelings fade. A bad night, I’m right back there. And I can’t get enough chocolate and coffee. I am experiencing all the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression but they are completely dependent on how rested I am.

Since Miles’ sleep, both daytime and nighttime, is not improving dramatically, and my ability to cope is rapidly deteriorating, Harry and I decided to use drastic measures. Last Saturday night, Miles was unable to be soothed to sleep. We tried for five hours and finally got him down at 12:45, only for him to wake at 5. We have a very similar night again last night, extreme difficulty soothing him to sleep and he was up at 3:30 until 6. And when I mean extreme difficulty soothing, picture Harry and I doing deep, rapid squats for hours because an up and down bouncing motion is the only thing that will calm him. I am beginning to have legs of steel to prove it. We simply can’t keep it up, though. We are worn out, physically and emotionally. Something’s gotta give.

Since Charlie has had significant sleep needs (eg, longer hours than most kids his age and a very regular schedule), we’ve been able to realize that Miles is also particularly sensitive to sleep deficits. He has simply not been able to handle all the times his naps have been cut short due to us being out and about while he’s sleeping and this was exacerbated by his difficulty falling asleep at night. It’s a vicious cycle. Seeing Miles fight so badly against what he really needed was our sign that we couldn’t get him the rest he needed. He needed to learn to do it. So, we have started to let him cry. This does not mean crying all night long, but rather to his first sleep. I am more than happy to feed him in the night and will gladly continue to do so for many more months. Geez, take a look at the kid. It’s obvious I am more than happy nurse him.

Anyways, this has been ridiculously hard for many reasons. It goes against every parent’s desire to comfort their crying baby. It subjects Charlie to more intense, frequent crying and often competes with his appropriate bedtime. Charlie has already had a really tough time with the adjustment to being big brother, but having a high maintenance younger brother has only made that worse. We are having to proactively fight against some challenging and heartbreaking behaviors related to his anxiety. Plus, Miles hasn’t been quick to learn and we’re often having to change poopy diapers, which sabotages his learning all the more.

My attachment parenting friends might be horrified to hear that we’re letting a baby cry. I would’ve been horrified to hear this, too, until I experienced Charlie’s horrid sleep from months 5-9 and saw how it impacted our family, Harry and my marriage, and my general ability to enjoy motherhood. Once Charlie learned how to sleep on his own we ALL were much happier. Charlie wouldn’t fight bedtime and he’d often even request naps by leaning towards the crib. He knew he needed it. But, Charlie was 9-months old! Miles is only nearly four, which has made this all the harder. Basically, it’s awful and I would never wish this on anyone.

So, if you see Harry, Charlie, Miles or I, give us an extra hug and a kiss. Pray for us. Come play with us. Come hang with us. Send us an email. Call us. We need all the love we can get right now. And thank you for being gracious enough to hear our truth and know we’re trying to do what’s best for our family.