I walked to Macrina with Miles on me in the Ergo in the wind and pouring rain tonight. I had made chunky lentil soup and craved some hearty bread to go with it. So, I grabbed our enormous maroon and white umbrella, strapped Miles on, and made the (two block) trek. Makes us sound real adventurous, doesn’t it? Not that he has a choice in these matters. Because of the gloomy weather, it was magical. Miles was taken with the umbrella and probably the sound of the rain, and held or pat the handle most of the way there and back. On a normally busy promenade, we passed only one other person on foot and very few cars splashed puddles our way. The ground is completely saturated from all the rain we’ve had the past month or two…or decades…so, puddles were enormous and not confined to the streets. All sidewalk cracks and indentations were filling up, too, making our walk a bit of a dance.
Avoiding these small hazards due to uneven, old sidewalks brought Japan to mind and my heart grew heavy. Reading the front-page briefings, seeing NY Times pictures, and watching a few videos online is about all I can handle. I’m not sure when media started posting pictures of the deceased, but it seems recent to me. Either way, I’m not desensitized to it and still find that moments like that, particularly families with loved ones bodies, completely take my breath away and send me sobbing. I have worked in a long-term acute care hospital with a very high mortality rate, so I am accustomed to death more than most. When patients there were taken off life support with family around, it was so sacred that all of staff knew how to properly handle themselves and support the loved ones. It was devastating but beautiful because they all knew it was for the best. These unexpected tragedies are not for the best. I’m not sure that sharing those moments publicly is either. All I know is that I walked a bit slower for awhile and soaked in Miles’ sweet face staring at the umbrella.
It’s been a really beautiful season of life in our household lately and my awareness of all the ridiculously hard parts of life facing some friends and family (sick children, strokes, divorce, deceit, chronic illness, death) has heightened my love for and appreciate of these times. It is wonderful having Harry work from home. Our family is so much more connected and less stressed because of it. Also, we are having daily giggling episodes that I want to bottle up, like when Miles laid on our couch with me crouched above him. He grabbed my hat off my head and laughed like crazy when it landed on his face. We did it over and over again with Miles not tiring of the joke. He’s also found stomach nuzzles particularly funny. And sniffing, especially if I smell his feet and say, “Pee-ew!” afterwards. Charlie’s a huge fan of this game, too.
Much to my relief and surprise, Charlie’s really enjoying Miles’ mobility. He delights in getting Miles interested in him or a toy so that Miles will chase him. Their combined laughter during this game is my absolute favorite sound right now. (I have a playground moment to thank for this- a woman warned me that crawling was the worst adjustment after getting used to a new baby’s arrival, so we started playing differently and problem solving these situations months before Miles could crawl. Now it’s not a surprise and Charlie’s prepared. He still has moments he hates it and at his best suggests that Miles takes a nap or goes to bed and at his worst hits him away, but I’m certain it’s easier than it would’ve been without that planning.)
These experiences, along with thumb-sucking snuggles, are sometimes enough to make me weepy. Harry & I often look at each other to exchange the knowing glance that we are experiencing pure beauty. Learning to seize the day by soaking up laughter and love, being more vulnerable and giving more freely to others is my biggest hope and prayer right now. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We do not know our days. May I not squander them by focusing my attention on “productivity.” May I be willing to risk that a walk in the rain, slow and wet, might be the highlight of my day. And even if it’s not, at least I have a greek olive loaf to compensate for my soggy pants.
I mentioned Eating Animals in my last post. This online talk and discussion allows you to get a taste of the book and the author’s thoughts behind it. I found it very worthwhile and well done.
I am finding more and more that fostering an attitude of thankfulness requires a consistent, deliberate practice. Without a conscious effort to remember all that is good, it is far too easy to get sucked into the abyss of sadness this world brings. Even my own current simple challenges–wondering how and when our job/move situation will pan out, feeling pregnancy related pain, and listening to Charlie’s wails and demands when he’s not at his best–can feel life-sucking. Sometimes I almost can’t see my way out unless I talk to someone wise enough to listen just as I need or who happens to be having a worse time. This is not how I want to foster thankfulness. I want my heart to know, not just see, the beauty and good in life, regardless of whether my struggles are relatively easier or harder than those of people I interact with. We are surrounded by such intense pain and suffering that there will always be someone having a harder time somewhere. Yet, their heart may be in a better spot, more willing to accept life for its ups and downs and trust that life isn’t about the ease with which we get through it. We are created for so much more than just getting by.
Thanksgiving lends itself to much beauty, not the least of which is that it encourages so many people to stop and think about what they’re thankful for before they stuff themselves silly. I celebrate this part of Thanksgiving and love that it is a part of Harry and my tradition to share these thoughts. Additionally, I like that it’s a call to return to or strengthen a practice of meditating regularly on our blessings. Without giving thanks, I am sure to grow bitter, forgetful, and weary.
There is also plenty about Thanksgiving with which I don’t care to identify or celebrate. I just read this article about the historical atrocities associated with this holiday and reminded of how deep the pain runs for many Native Americans when our nation recognizes only the happily-presented (elementary school version that many adults still believe) pilgrim part of the story. Highlighting his years of being bonded by anger, the author’s last line is perfect: “And we’ll give thanks that we live in a country where remembering the past need not shackle us to it.” It seems a good balance to discuss the truth and then choose to celebrate the ways that love has triumphed over hate, thankfulness over ungratefulness.
I also find it difficult to swallow the costs associated with Thanksgiving–physically, financially, environmentally, and sadly, for many, spiritually and emotionally–that could be lessened by making a few changes. (I feel this way about Christmas, too…particularly store bought obligatory gifts.) I’m all in favor of a local, organic, sustainable Thanksgiving meal. Not a feast, but a minimalist, stress-free meal that allows people to engage in relational activities and enjoy the day. This does not have to be any more expensive than a conventional meal. In fact, by not having a turkey (which wouldn’t bother me one bit), the costs are decreased significantly. If turkey is a must, getting a heritage turkey seems worth the extra cost. I’ve heard the flavor is significantly better (maybe I’d actually want turkey annually if I tried one of them) and they’re not packed with hormones. In fact, they can actually reproduce on their own. (Isn’t it horrifying that conventional turkeys can’t reproduce!?) You could cut costs elsewhere by having fewer sides, no alcohol, etc… Or, don’t eat meat for a few weeks prior and after. This would also help off-set the environmental impact of the holiday. We have a very long way to go in celebrating this way, but I believe it is a gift to the world to do so. It is an acknowledgment that our choices impact the whole world and by choosing simplicity, we are respecting our global neighborhood.
So, I’m done with my truth sharing and moving on towards focusing on love. We have so much to be thankful for that it’s almost embarrassing. Yesterday I had a twenty week ultrasound for our littlest Love. The baby is healthy and growing well, already 11 inches and over 300 grams. (It also seems to be following in Charlie’s shoes for head size. Great…can’t wait for labor again.) The appointment length was going to make Harry’s work day challenging and we both opted for him to stay at work. So that we could still learn the baby’s gender at the same time, I arranged for a bakery near Harry’s office to prepare a half dozen chocolate coconut cupcakes for a boy and strawberry milkshake ones for a girl. The ultrasound tech had me turn my head every time I could’ve been informed, praising me all the while for doing a good job not cheating. She was pretty cute in how proud she seemed of me. And she was happy to make the call even though she’d never been asked to do so before. Harry met me at the bakery after the appointment and we eagerly opened up our box and tearfully celebrated our news with a pair of really delicious cupcakes and shots of espresso. After a few minutes by ourselves, the delightful Tee and Cakes owner, Kim, generously brought us a onesie for the baby. The staff there couldn’t have treated us better. I think they liked being in on the secret. And they probably liked my tears, too.
A few of many other things that keep me singing praises, in no particular order:
Sweet baby Caroline, who has triumphed through a very rough first year of life that included heart failure, feeding tubes, and open heart surgery. She is as cute as a button and melts your heart with her smile. She is recovering beautifully and beginning to really hit her stride. Her parents, my dear friend Leslie and her husband Mike, have been amazing. They have inspired me countless times with their optimism, endurance, strength, advocacy, and profound love.
Our friends Lonnie and Juliet finally got to pick up their son from Ethiopia and now have him in their arms on a daily basis. I got the pleasure of meeting Daniel in October and almost couldn’t believe that he’s cuter in person than he is in his pictures, because his pictures turn me into jello. The kid is as adorable as they come. Brightest eyes I’ve ever seen. Man, I want to hold him right now! It is such exquisite beauty to see friends who have longed for a family holding their baby in their arms.
My core group girls. I have absolutely loved getting to know these college women by having them into our home regularly for study and fellowship. Had I known I would be pregnant or that we might be moving, I probably wouldn’t have signed up to lead a group. It has deeply enriched these past few months for me. They have taught me so much with their passion, exuberance, energy, vulnerability, and eagerness to grow. I will dearly miss meeting with them if we move. You girls better take a road trip!
Harry’s job. While it has created a new source of difficulties, it allowed us to stay in our house, rebuild our savings a bit, and take a deep sigh of relief after our year of limited income. It also gave us the freedom to feel like we could start trying for another child. Now, it seems, it might be leading us to another source of thankfulness…a return to Seattle.
While leaving Colorado will be heart-breaking and extremely difficult on many levels, we are thankful that jobs exist in Seattle for Harry’s line of work. If we had to move somewhere else, I can’t imagine how upset I’d be. But a return to Seattle feels like a return home. We have never stopped missing our friends and church. We also have discovered that we’re not suburbia folks…we like city life, even the nitty-gritty. It is only in the joy of returning to people we dearly miss and love that we can face the pain of leaving others behind.
With that, I hope you all find a moment to reflect on what is good, beautiful, and loving in your life. If you have read this entire post, you are certainly a good friend to me! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
In addition to reading his own memorized version of Big Red Barn tonight, Charlie requested that the following be healed tonight during our bedtime prayer:
Papa, Mama
Pawpaw, Mimi
Grandmaw, Grandpaw
Grammy Ellen, Grandpaw Jud
Uncle Steve
kitty cat
monkey
dinosaur
light
bed
Uncle Steve’s bed
Mama and Papa’s bed
Elvis (his sock monkey)
choo choo
a few other things I didn’t understand
Given that the incantation probably would have gone on into the night had there been more time, consider yourself prayed for and healed.
2008 has been an incredibly significant year for us. In March Harry left his job to pursue working on his website, Jetrecord, full-time. In April we returned to Seattle to visit with friends for a week. Charlie snuck in his first steps at SeaTac airport on our way out, thrilling us that he first walked where he was born. In May Kathleen started working as a per diem speech-language pathologist with acute care and inpatient rehabilitation at Boulder Community Hospital (which happens to be her birthplace). In the fall we realized that neither of our ventures were going to sustain us much longer so Harry began seeking full-time employment and Kathleen began working at the hospital as much as she was needed. In early November Harry was offered a short-term contract making a website for a Seattle company. Between this job, Kathleen working 2-4 days/week, Charlie cared for courtesy of grandparents, and very intentional spending choices, we have been able to continue paying our bills. We are deeply thankful for the amazing experience of having Harry work from home on a project that excites him, for all the help we’ve received to make this period possible, and for the joy that comes from living simply with frequent reminders of what really matters to us. We also eagerly anticipate having a regular income! We would appreciate your prayers for Harry to find a full-time job that fits his skills and personality. A great bonus would be that he gets to telecommute. We can’t stand the thought of not seeing each other as often as we have.
Favorite Books
Kathleen: Top vote goes to Three Cups of Tea for inspiration factor. Greg Mortenson is now one of my living heroes. This book documents what I believe to be the best long term anti-terrorism strategy possible. (I have an admittedly limited knowledge base.) Reading the book, along with Khaled Mosseini’s phenomenal books and seeing Charlie Wilson’s War, I’m horrified by the potential consequences of our nation’s current actions in the Middle East. We need a thousand more Greg Mortensons and a government willing to fund them instead of bombs.
Predictably Irrational provided excellent insight into the array of subconcious processes that affect our decision making. A fantastic read for election year, as well as prior to the holidays. The writing isn’t quite as excellent as the content.
Finally, I must mention The First Circle. When Solzhenitsyn died in August I had yet to read one of his books and this was the only one offered at our local library. It did not dissapoint.
Harry: I have a crush on Steve Martin and so loved Born Standing Up. I’d been wanting to read The Timeless Way of Building and A Pattern Language for a couple years and found copies at our local library; I thought they were brilliant, especially for the potential applications outside of architecture. The Spirit of St. Louis was very inspiring; I can’t believe those people accomplished what they did with the available technology. I also loved Boo and Baa Have Company.
Favorite Music
Kathleen: Uh oh. Here we go again with the dreaded music question. I admit, I am completely out of it with regards to new music. I must sing “Baa Baa Black Sheep,” “The Wheels on the Bus” and “Five Little Ducks” more than I listen to all adult songs combined. That being said, For The Kids continues to be the most tolerable kids album in our household. Please feel free to suggest some good music!
Charlie: “Baa Baa Black Sheep”
Harry: I’m in the same boat as Kathleen. I don’t think I listened to anything released in 2008. But I created an online playlist of some of my faves that you can listen to. Use the player below or click the “online playlist” link.
Favorite Movies
Kathleen: My most memorable, moving, and unusual movies include The Visitor, Children of Heaven, The Story of the Weeping Camel, and Seven Samurai. I’m finding more and more that independent and foreign films seem to be the best stories for me. (This question was so much easier to answer this year now that we have Netflix!!!).
Kathleen: Living simply and contentedly. Finding ways to balance our immediate family time with all our jobs, extended family time, and other necessary aspects of a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. I nearly crashed and burned multiple times this year from not nurturing my faith, health, and social life.
Charlie: stairs
Harry: Finding direction. This year I really struggled with the fact that I will never fully explore all the areas of life that I’m interested in. I’ve always known this to be true but it really sunk in this year. And now combine that with an inability to decide on one area of focus and you’ve got a recipe for a bad French movie. 2009 will be the year of my great redemption story or the year I buy a Porsche on credit. I’m also tired of being heavier than I should so look for New, Improved, Buns-of-Carbon-Nanotube Harry™ at the end of next year.
Name Something You’re Particularly Proud Of
Kathleen: I am most proud of supporting Harry in his dream to work on Jetrecord full-time. I needed to let go of a lot of false securities and fears to do this. This decision has provided deep satisfaction for Harry, amazing times for our family, and no regrets. I am also proud of myself for going back to work in the hospitals. It was rather daunting to enter medical speech-language pathology after several years off. Neither of these actions would’ve been possible without the incredible support we’ve had from our families.
Harry: Even more than Jetrecord itself, I’m proud of the hard work Kathleen and I did to get to a place where we could make that decision to go for it with confidence and joy, even in the face of such great risk. It’s funny, looking back to February, how small that risk seems now.
Best Surprise
Kathleen: Finding out that Harry’s brother Steve was moving to Colorado. We are deeply blessed to have him close by now…and Charlie adores his “Uncle Cheese.” One of the simplest, sweetest surprises was making my best friend’s baby laugh for the first time. I didn’t know it was her first laugh, and when her parents watched wide-eyed as one of their twins giggled, I was overcome with the emotion of being part of that sacred moment. It was also especially special since I had flown to Seattle for the express purpose of being with that friend and meeting her little girls.
Harry: I’m really glad my brother moved here. Now we just need to get the other one.
Favorite Time of Day
Kathleen: I love dinnertime at our household. Even though I’m usually exhausted, it’s wonderful to be together as a family, try to have conversations with Harry, and listen to Charlie’s thoughts on the important matters of our family. It’s also one of the silliest times of day for us and I treasure our laughs. I know you didn’t ask, but my least favorite time of day would be 3:45am.
Charlie: Mealtimes and the crack of dawn. While we’re still half asleep and grumbling about the unfairness of morning, Charlie’s already running to bring us multiple toys and making us laugh with his cheerfulness and enthusiasm for a new day. (The kid does sleep 12 hours a night.)
Harry: Night night time with Charlie.
Favorite Foods
Kathleen: I tasted the most incredible chocolate bar of my life at Chocolopolis in Seattle. With regards to healthy options, I think sushi still tops my list of favorite foods. I would be happy to eat it every day. I also really enjoyed the tomatoes from my garden and the raspberries & rhubarb from Harry Sr’s!
Harry: I’m kinda partial to yellow curry from Thai Kitchen. Kathleen also received a dangerous recipe for Dutch Babies from a friend in Seattle. And I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow the desire for pizza.
Favorite Websites
Kathleen:TED is filled with incredible talks by experts in technology, science, the arts and global issues. I am often awestruck by the content. It’s a bit like getting to attend the best lectures at Ivy League schools for free. Last year I shared about joining Facebook. I admit to a love-hate relationship with it now. I love seeing regular updates from so many of my friends. I hate the superficiality of much of it. I definitely would never want it to replace conversations. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to stop looking at it as often and pursue writing more emails and making more phone calls to friends.
Harry: Netflix is one of the most functional sites I use although I would love to see much better organization. I love TED, as Kathleen does, for its content. I love FFFFOUND! for design inspiration. I’m on Facebook but I hate it. (I actually have this fantasy that I’ll wake up one day and Facebook will be gone. No explanation. None needed.) I use Twitter to communicate, somewhat unsuccessfully, with the outside world. That’s another love-hate relationship. I’m redesigning my web site this year (again) and I’m going back to plain ‘ol web pages. I’m fascinated by and fearful of, perhaps paranoically, the slow, automated integration of every web site with every part of my life, even though I’m also partially responsible.
Favorite Song Charlie Makes You Play on the Piano
Kathleen: “Pop Goes the Weasel,” hands down.
Harry: It’s a tie between “Chariots of Fire” and “Axel F.”
Least Favorite Activity You Must Do Daily
Kathleen: Washing out poopy diapers in the toilet. If I had to clean toilets everyday, these two activities would tie. I am really glad we use cloth diapers, but this is definitely not the best smelling part of my day.
Charlie: Go nigh’ nigh’.
Harry: Yep, me too. I don’t like go nigh’ nigh’.
Favorite Thing Charlie Says
Kathleen: So many things!!! The SLP in me adores every utterance. “Mama, Charlie eat mac cheese yesterday.” I hear this at least five times a day. I also liked it when, after feeling my wet hair, Charlie once said, “mama, turn off.” Apparently wet hair isn’t his thing. The other cute phrase we heard all Christmas season was, “Charlie get Christmas tree basement yesterday” (and he pronounces Christmas tree as “piss chee”). We had pulled our Christmas tree up from its basement storage place to set it up for the holidays without realizing this would have a profound impact on our child. Maybe he thinks we are storing streetlights or bushes down there that we’ll bring up and decorate for the next holiday. Last one- I like that “UPS truck” sounds like “peace truck.”
Charlie: Seems to really like saying “Baa!” and “Mac sheese mac sheese mac sheese!”
Harry: I love that Charlie will continue addressing his stuffed robot until the robot acknowledges him. It doesn’t matter if Kathleen or I answer him back. If he’s talking to Robot, Robot should answer. And this means Kathleen or I must acknowledge him in Robot’s voice while holding Robot.
Favorite Animal
Kathleen: Still love dolphins. Of the animals I regularly see, I’m quite fond of one of our neighbor’s dogs.
Charlie: “Tee-tat.” He loves kitties and even has a make-believe one he holds in his hand on occasion. We must pet it gently.
Harry: I like tee-tats, too, and am secretly hoping we get one this year. But it’s a secret. I also enjoyed seeing a coyote in the field behind our house.
Least Favorite of Charlie’s Toys
Kathleen: I grew so tired of reading a particular book that I hid it. I brought it out days later, but I could not label the Cars and Trucks and Things that Go one more time at that moment. Alligator cars and cheese cars are cool, but man, twenty times a day for weeks on end?! I’m used to his noisy, battery operated toys now so they don’t bother me like they used to. I am also a little tired of rolling rings down the slide and fetching them from our basement stairs.
Harry: I will shoot the next person who gives us a battery operated toy of any kind. Okay, I won’t shoot, but you will walk with a severe limp.
Favorite Campaign Moment
Kathleen: The Obama family walking out on the platform together for the President-elect’s acceptance speech. I cried. I am thrilled he will be our President in three weeks!!!
Kathleen: The Obama campaign and the election kept my attention for most of the summer and fall. I got great laughs from Jon Stewart’s segments mocking election coverage, too.
Harry: Easily, the election of Barack Obama.
Favorite Font
Kathleen: After watching the movie, Helvetica, I’m aware that there’s a lot more to this answer than I could’ve ever dreamed. I like the familiarity of Helvetica and certainly the positive associations Gotham provides (it’s the typeface of the Obama “Change” campaign).
Charlie:Chicka Chicka Boom Boom‘s font. He saw the same type and colors on a FedEx truck once and started singing the alphabet song.
Favorite Speech-Language Pathology Area of Practice
Kathleen: I yearn to work with child literacy development again. I am strongly considering starting some part-time private practice literacy work this year, in addition to my current hospital work. I am thrilled to be practicing in acute care again, too. I am fascinated by swallowing disorders, diagnosis and treatment.
Harry: I’m a big fan of Barium enemas although I don’t get to administer them as often as I’d like. Wait, that’s Speech-Language Proctology.
Hats Off To
Kathleen: Angie, for raising newborn twins and a toddler with amazing grace. Our parents, for supporting us immensely through this crazy year and embracing their days with Charlie. Harry Sr, for his extensive hands-on help and consultant role with my gardening and landscaping work. My sister & her husband, for weathering great challenges this year and coming out dry! My brother, for graduating from Great Lakes Maritime Academy.
Harry: My brother, Steve, for taking a big chance moving here. Our family, for their huge support during another crazy year.
Inspired By
Kathleen: Harry has been my deepest inspiration this year. The lessons I’ve learned from him have changed the way I face the future. His courage to leave a secure job to dream big, incredible talent at thinking outside the box, and pursuit of what’s best for our family and his career have been nothing short of inspirational. It takes great faith to pursue dreams, and even more so when they are countercultural. I love that Harry has lived out our beliefs, priorities and definition of success. I am now much more willing to think big for myself.
Harry: I’m inspired by Kathleen’s steadfastness, dedication, and discipline, three qualities of which I need so much more. And whether he knows it or not, my other brother, James, inspires me with his relentless pursuit of his own dreams in music.
That’s a Wrap
Thanks for joining us again this year. We’re looking forward to all that 2009 has in store and we hope this letter finds you in good company. Per our usual finale, here’s a slideshow of some of our favorite photos from 2008.
tonight, Charlie requested that the following be healed tonight during our bedtime prayer: